carry sars blog

2007-01-30T23:57:00.000-08:00

FAHRENHEIT!
clemence and i
joanne and i
BLOG~! WHY?! why am i blogging?haha...just felt like bloggggiinnnggg???oh well...don't want to type anymore=)

2007-01-29T07:32:00.000-08:00

i changed blog skin! not like i blog much..saturday we(clemence,melody,joanne and i)went to joanne's house then went to S.H.E concert.It totally rocked! so nice lah!Joanne's dad brought us to some place for mee pok then we went back to joanne's house to do A maths.Alamak! Did for so long yet we still didn't manage to complete it lah! boring!!We left her house at 6 am just for that stupid thing and we still didn't end up in the front! GRR!!!so fustrated!! anyway, i must apologise to joanne,melody and clemence cause i had a terrible temper. i was so angry la!make us wait so long! i don't even think the so called "first 20" got a picture with Fahrenheit.The point is, i'm very sorry that i threw my temper at you guys!i promise that it won't happen again! or at least i'll try to control my temper la.. in the first place i don't think my mum will allow me out of the house again.she's so pissed she sounded like as if i justgot grounded for life lah..
after the k box thing we went to IMM for the autograph session. there was so many people la!it was shocking! i felt so tired just standing there to queue. actually i wasn't just standing. everyone was squashed together. it's so disgusting to think of it. all the sweat..eww....still, i hope fahrenheit will come again! after this whole thing that we probably planned for a month,it just ended at the blink of an eye and it made me wonder. was it worth it? of course the part where we got to see them, get autograph and shake hands was worth it, but we practically screwed up when it came to planning=) it was like a month's work down the drain.Xiao zhu's coming! i don't think my mum will allow me to go! the worst thing is gary is also coming!! this sunday!! GRR!! so so so so so so so so sian!! everything seems to be going wrong!! what should i do?!should i rebel for my freedom? or should i just hit the books and surrender to my fate?now i need to find something to motivate me to go on with this stupid school year.my life just practically got screwed up overnight! i don't even know what i should do next!i'm so tired! i hope chinese new year comes! by then we would have finished all the stupid common tests i think. at least i can rest for 4 days.

2007-01-17T00:48:00.000-08:00

I'm so not in the mood to blog.. actually, am i allowed to say that? i haven't blogged in... uh..hur.... VERY LONG... oh well...WU ZUUN!!! yao lai le hor?heee... everyone must support fahrenheit! they are the best!!!
sometimes i wonder why i'm so crazy over idols.. is it the sense of excitement?my life's too boring.. nothing in my life will make me feel this sense of excitement unless it's idols. so idols are the substitutes to the holes in my heart i guess=) well! better than letting the blood overflow...uh..ok... nvm.. i'm odd... but joanne said must blog. right joannA?haha.. JUST KIDDING!oh my GOD!3rd week of school and i'm already thinking of my birthday! why?hmm.. maybe cause if my birthday comes it means that half the year would be gone! half a year of teachers, friends and my closest and worst companion, HOMEWORK..ugh..homework!! i think i need to endure for another 5 years... eek! more than that?who knows..
anyway, i love my friends! all... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7 i think..let's see..who are they? let's see.. joanne,charmaine,cheryl,clemence,melody,divya and felicia!no order ok?not biased here=)actually, am i bias ah?i have no idea...
9 more days to fahrenheit.. brace yourselves..

2006-12-09T04:16:00.000-08:00

woah.. didn't notice that i hadn't blogged for a long while... anyway, my brother's back and the day before yesturday i had dinner at hotel royal(steamboat) with my family as it was my da-sao's birthday. the food?BOOOO!!!!never go there!!unless there's no food on the streets and in the garbage....ok....garbage is kind of too much.haha.... oh well, on that day my brother went to get me my Ipod!! no... it's not just an Ipod...it's and Ipod video (30gb)!!! hehehe..WHOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!! aya.... really have nothing to post except that i'm going on holiday this monday and i'll be back on the 18th which is who knows what day....=)

2006-12-02T09:37:00.000-08:00

i did the most stupid thing today man! i can't believe it!this morning i decided to not sleep.so i didn't. watched tv until my mum woke up. i was watching this stupid cooking show on channel 5.for the first time in my life i cursed and sweared while watching tv.as in seriously, i was like"fffff...fff....GRRR!!" this woman, who was the host, simply spoke the worst english i've ever heard. she was like trying to not speak singlish and was trying to have a fake american accent.i would say, cheap?ok.. not a good word but.. grr!!!come on!! who speaks such bad english?!
well, after that i turned off the tv half way through the show and went to the kitchen and my mum stared at me and asked"how come you wake up so early today?"so i mumbled,"i haven't sleep yet." she glared at me,"YOU HAVEN'T SLEEP?!HOW ARE YOU GOING TO PACK YOUR ROOM?!"pause.checks time*"i let you sleep until 1.30pm .go sleep." "i don't want to sleep....."
stares at me again*"fine. eat your breakfast and go pack your room"
seriously, my mum did all the packing like always.. i practically sat there and watched kids central(it's so nice to feel like a kid)..by the time it was 2 something i K.Oed.... slept until 7.20pm and started pannicking cause there was no sign of my mum but my room turned neat.ran to the living room to turn on the tv and waited for shrek to start. my mum came back then i realised that she went swimming+_+"'.....oh well... that's about all...can't be bothered to type.. i'm tired.

2006-11-26T07:53:00.000-08:00

HEEEHEEEEHEEEE.......muahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!uh.....
hemhem*
today i am here to blog! duh....lalalala....it's 11 something at night but it feels like the night is young!!! very young indeed!oh... it's just 1 month few weeks and i'll be back in school...i'm already having nightmares...sigh....makes me feel young though.. at least i'm fearful of something. i know i'm not growing too fast...mentally by the way.....what to do? just lean back and let god take us on the ride of a life time. i am apparently at " teenage phase " where i'm suppose to make many many many mistakes and learn from it.urgh... can you believe it? that's how we grow mentally. fall and pick ourselves up... if we're too weak, open our arms and let those around us give us a lift, help us to get up on our feet and stand up with our head held high.it's simple. it's like you when you're a toddler. trying to learn how to crawl and eventually, stand up and stagger for a moment and try to get the hang of it. try to support ourselves.
when we're teenagers,we're learning to make the right decisions, training ourselves to be stronger and withstand the dangerous road to adulthood. making the wrong decisions is never just failure. it's experience. it's learning to be a stronger person.
when you're an adult,you step into the world full of competitors from work.as we compete, we learn to do it the hard way. do not pull strings,do not back stab and do not do anything guilty to your conscience to win.be kind to the people around you. even if they are your competitors or enemies, give them a helping hand when they're in need.
when you're in your mid20s to early 40s,you most likely would get married. but at this time, it is not only learning at this stage of life.it is also teaching. it is a time to teach your children.learn from them. pick up pointers you have missed out on your journey.reach out your hand to pick your children up when they fell. advise them on what to do when they're confused.
when you retire,you don't just relax. you give time to the community. help out at home.afterall, money is not everything. if i had 1 million by the time i'm 30, i may be able to buy anything. but i will definitely not be able to buy a lifetime of lessons and hardship. i may buy what i desire, but it may not bring me happiness. it may not let me feel the warmth of my family.
why have i decided to post all this? this is a reminder to myself that no matter what, i must learn my lifetime of lessons in hardship and never the easy way.however, i do not walk this journey alone. i walk through it with my loved ones and my friends, who understand, as they are going through this journey themselves. i shall look at this post when i'm troubled.the last point is that everything i do affects the people around me.

my life as a zombie:)

2006-11-21T09:05:00.000-08:00

somehow after suuuuuuuuuuper duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper long holidays i feel like i became a zombie for some reason. when i'm awake, i feel kinda dead...hmm.....
oh well... i was suppose to post about something but due to my pure forgetfullness..i have once again forgotten*pissed*
soooooooooooooo..................................................... I HAVE DECIDED TO TALK ABOUT GOONG.
last ep was today!!! i cried again+_+'''
somehow one part i found funny was when lu cried... i can't remember when he cried.. oh.. the part where he confronts his mum about the affair she had with his majesty.by the time the show ended i would always be angry.... who wouldn't?"muo fei....han xi?" or something like that.tooot* it just ends?!?!and there's gonna be some stupid prince hours which is not continueing the story.. grrrr...

sun tan......

2006-11-16T01:17:00.000-08:00

just now i went to sentosa for a picnic with my family!!it's kinda cool finally getting a tan.and i haven't slept for 25 hours. i think i should go sleep or something but i just bathed so my hair's still wet and it's 5.11pm so if i sleep i will just ko until who knows when.hopefully i don't miss dinner.

TO MY ****ING COUSIN

2006-11-16T00:54:00.000-08:00

it's kinda cool you flooded my blog but what you say really is stupid.by "wth is oak," i'm kinda asking you what the game is about although i have to admit that doesn't really sound like it.next, what do you mean by "its ok you cant understand when you get a job of have a family you will realise "?do you mean "it's ok, you can understand when you get a job or have a family"? do you have a job?do you have family?you're 16.even if you get a job,it's not a real life job. it's part time.and your family is parents and siblings.i have a family too.so what's the difference? third point.the 3 types of people you mentioned. if that's how you rank them, you are so wrong.it's as bad to play as much com games as to play so much of your stupid guitar.it's unbalanced and almost an addiction.fourth. i'm not in sec 3 this year. i'm in secondary 2. i'm only gonna ba in sec 3 next year.fifth. at some point of talking with you,you will come up with stupid questions and quizes about "sex".we're teenagers.you're the one mixing with the wrong group of friends.you're the one wasting your secondary life trying to GROW UP.seriously. do you think you're growing up mentally?don't you think those questions are disgusting and stupid?sixth point. from all this crap above, hardly anything is about "oak ",the game itself. no intro what so ever.would i play a game i know by it's name?seventh. you don't even play the game. how can you determind that it is better just because people in your school play it?it's not even first hand experience.it's just seen and heard.btw, I AM GETTING A GUITAR FOR MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT OR AN IPOD OR BOTH. is there no bloody music in there?

2006-11-10T08:06:00.000-08:00

today was boring!boring!boring!!!!ugh......i feel so dead....woke up today and i suddenly cracked....just..didn't want to play maple....me?not wanting to play maple?!?!hello!!!!

changed the blog song!!

2006-11-06T08:15:00.000-08:00

well, just now i saw this jessica simpson music video at 11pm on channel 5 titled 'I belong to me' so i decided to change it to my blog song.i who think i know myself would have thought " what the hell!clare putting this song??bursts out in laughter*".weeeelll, maybe i changed. maybe this song just related to me in some way.nah!! not related.. just..sad. that's what i hate about MVs!! no matter how bad the song might be, i end up liking it cause of the video.....i would say, this is the side i never thought a person like jessica simpson could be.
the holidays are starting to make me feel kind of useless... how bad can it get.. sitting in front of the computer everyday and not doing anything productive.. i should start practising maths..by the way, how do you spell practise? i mean, yeah.. i know how to spell practise. i can't remember when you use practiSe and when you use practiCe..i remember ms ng taught us last year cause there was a mistake in the book for the S and C..yup.. i remember that part but i forgot the explanation after that...my brain must have gone to 'stoning mode' after that...

2006-10-30T21:00:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. came back from school just now. just now i went for this alge-strength workshop held by mrs poh. she came up to me while i was doing my work and asked me to practise more maths and she asked me if i was taking a maths. when i said yes, her eyes widen." you're taking a maths?why?"looks down and says under breath*"cause i want to get into a JC." looks at me*"i suggest you buy the maths textbook and start practising now."
wth! she looked down on me!! i don't think my maths is bad or anything.it's just that i don't practise and check my work. most of the time, i lose marks due to careless mistakes. she said at the beginning that the people chosen the work shop are those who failed but the maths department think that they can still be saved. so if i can be saved, why can't i take a maths?
oh well...after maths joanne and i went down to buy packets of junk food( i don't know what it's called) for her mum. met kimberley and wan jin.kimchii!haha... we went to the com lab to play maple.....the rest is private and confidential...........

MY VOICE!!!!!

2006-10-26T22:48:00.000-07:00

this sucks! totally cannot talk la.. went to school yesturday and i sounded like a guy according to...uhh...i can't remember who. but somehow i can't figure out if it was the bag of potato chips i greeeeeeedily bought or the banana i ate( according to sarah, banana makes it worse). by right, it started hurting a few days before so i should be watching what i eat but, come on! your friends are eating during recess kay!how can you stare at them eat and say no to food?it's food!i'm a food fanatic!
oh well.. i have chosen my bloody subject combination..for science i'm taking physics and chemistry.maths i'm taking E and A(A is needed for going into JC).humanities i'm taking full lit and combined humanities i'm taking geography.yup..that's about it. totally praying that not many people from the smart classes are taking full lit. so far i only found out me and cheryl are taking half geog with full lit.might not even get the bloody combination....
hahaha... so totally proud of myself. yesturday when i came home i turned on my com and started playing sims 2! whoohoo! i finally finished my house! so proud of myself..haha.. my house is 5 levels high! but somehow from outside it sort of looks like an office building but who cares!!hehehehehe......
~CHEERS

2006-10-19T05:31:00.000-07:00

today is the worst day of my life. i failed 4 or 5 subjects!out of 8 or 9 subjects. just looking at numbers makes me crazy.. i almost fainted during assembly, so i just closed my eyes throughout the pledge and school song.today, i didn't feel as bad cause i only got back physics paper. i finally had an A for something at least.
i found out that i got full marks in MCQ and i was the only girl in class to get full marks. at least at that point of the time i finally felt happy during collection of papers. oh well, if char and fel calculated correctly(which i doubt so, no offence), i would have passed by 2. something %.somehow, i just don't think i pass. although my passes range from c5 to A1,i have this gut feeling that i won't pass. enough about that. just want to wish joanne and felicia a very very very happy advanced birthday!

2006-10-18T02:42:00.000-07:00

after today, i'm 100% sure i will not pass my overall this year. thinking about losing my memories in the school to begin a new chapter of my life sucks.somehow, i feel like everyone is distancing from me. what did i do this time? and i was very mad at cheryl this today.she kept asking me what i got for this and that and kept saying that how bad she got for this and that,despite topping the class for 3 subjects. come on! does it sound comforting to say,"cause you never study," right in front of my face?it doesn't seem to be encouraging as a friend. just because i didn't cry doesn't mean that i don't feel bad.
i couldn't help but wonder what will happen to me now. what happens when my report book comes back and my mum sees that i failed? i don't care about the scolding. i'm more scared the future which beholds for me. i can't imagine myself in another school. it'll be like starting sec 1 all over again, with new friends.there's no use crying now. i really want to cry but somehow, my tears have dried up and my heart is aching. am i really not meant to be in MGS? why is god doing this to me?
as i post this, i'm all alone now. i really don't want my mum to come back. something's wrong with her nowadays. all she does is scold me. i hardly talked to her since sunday. if i needed anything, i'll slip her a note through the door when she's sleeping. i really can't talk to her much. i've imagine this scene when i'll scream at my mum for being so pathetic in discipline.for scolding me for failing this or that, not listening to me, not listening to see if i actually studied.i'm having the suscidle feeling again. the thought of just ending everything with my life. taking the burden off my shoulders, going into a sleep and never waking up to homework and exams again.

2006-10-17T02:15:00.000-07:00

today i didn't go to school. had diarrheoa. today i got back 4 papers. i failed 2. i don't feel like posting today. but i don't know what made me turn on the computer. i don't know. what's wrong with me? why am i like that? why do i hate myself? why do i deserve this? what if i fail the overall? what if i get out of MG? what's going to happen to me? what if i mix with bad company?what will happen to me in future? why do i have to suffer like that? is there another way out? when will this stop?WHY?

2006-10-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

I HATE MY LIFE. I'M GOING TO COMMIT SUCIDE IF I FAIL.

2006-10-02T23:16:00.000-07:00

is everyone angry with me again? sometimes i really don't understand my friends. i can ask them a question 3 times and they can continue talking like i'm invincible,even if i'm waving frantically.i don't remember doing anything wrong.. i only know that i really don't need to have this type of problems.. are horoscope guides accurate? maybe they are... i've been in a terrible mood.. i hope exams end soon.. maybe by then everything will go back to normal..maybe we'll sit back at our old places and i can stop hating amelia for shouting into my ear so much.. i mean... hello?? she talks louder than the teacher...oh well, hope i pass this year.. i really want to pass.. i can't imagine starting everything all over again with new friends... i don't want to part my friends although sometimes i really don't understand them..

THE RECOUNT OF a MEMORABLE EVENT

2006-09-25T07:38:00.002-07:00

Yesturday was soooo funny! ok...shall say in order.me and my sis gets off cab.. walks to 7-11 and stares at crowd."melissa!"shouts primero."eh! hi! long time no see!"*hugs forever* "what happened to you man?melissa loo just disappeared into thin air like this*snaps fingers*"primero says.melissa argues"no lor!". "don't bluff! call you,sms you.. ask you to go drinking also cannot find you."melissa has nothing to say.
melissa,me and primero proceed to the carpark(weird right? of all places hang out in the middle of a carpark).
me:calls joanne and talks*
mel and pri continue talking
pri:eh the other day **** confronted randy lah...
mel:aya...he always...
pri:pretends to stab mel*
mel:yeah la..
somehow talks about levin
me:btw, my friend noticed something
mel:what?
me:levin's poses in photos make him look like he's smelling that person beside him's hair
pri:yeah! come to think of it..wait.. i got a pic of him in my handphone(takes out and shows us)
mel:yeah... at least he knows the side profile is good for photos..
primero receives a call from levin
pri:"oh, you'all reached already?kay, we'll come up now"
walks to escalator.on the way, sees levin waving frantically at us.
levin:melissa! long time no see!what happened to you?
mel:eh! stop asking la! i'm here okay!btw, this it my sister*points to me*
levin:oh, hi mersister!
me and sis gives weird expression
mel:eh! simi! my sis got name la!tell him your name.
me:oh, i'm clarissa.
levin:okay, hi mersister.. hurry up.. we're blocking the escaltor..
walks to the middle where everyone else was*
james:melissa!hi! hugs forever once again*
randy holds out arms prepared to hug my sis.sis pretends to not see him and hugs shirin(shirin is a last season top 30 finalist)*
randy:eh!what is this?looks bizaared*
melissa turns around and sees wan hua running towards her.holds out arms*
wan hua: melissa!! i missed you so much! what happened to you?
mel rolls eyes..
mel:nothing la!!
finally.. melissa turns to randy who's arms are still open and seems to be stoning
mel:acts funny*eh!hi!shows a hand gester for shaking. randy stares at her. arms still open*
mel:okay la!ok la!finally hugs randy*
primero:so can we go in?
levin:oh, um,no...meryl and milly is not here yet..
*randy,melissa and james goes away..*
mel:clare!come here
me:orh..*calls joanne then calls cheryl due to boredem yet again*
meryl arrives with mum. everyone prepares to go in.
levin:eh, milly haven't come
primero:nvm la.. i wait for her...
james:i wait with you
mel:me too!
me:i reluctantly say "okay"
we move to a corner.
primero starts saying about something. i decided to stone for a while
primero:eh, melissa, ask your sister come nearer la.. she stand so far like she don't know us like that
mel:eh, clare! come here.
me:shakes head*
james:come here la! we won't eat you one
me:drags feat
primero talks.. i continue to stone
when i stopped stoning...
primero:yeah! we are ordinary people la! we're not aliens lor..so many girls keep giving me prank calls..
me: you gave my friend my number you know...eh?*thinks*nonono... you gave my friend your number you know...
pri:yeah.. i gave to some that don't look that bad.. la..more guai one...but that time ahh.. some stupid girl called me and she was like"uhh..uhh...are you primero?*giggles*" so i said"yes. may i know how you got my number?" girl"uh...hehehe*hangs up*" and i was like what the f***! after that she spreaded my number i think.. so many prank calls.
james:so what's her name?
primero:stones*oh yeah!VALERIE.
james and primero says together:she stinks!!!
mel:....
me:yeah! shit! stamps feet! hate her!! cannot stand her!!! grrrr!!
after a while, milly finally comes...
despite the frantic waving and screaming of primero and james, milly actually walks to the other direction.she finally sees them.
milly:*without noticing my sis walking towards her, she continues walking towards the 2 guys and talked like a speed bullet at the same time*oh my god! do you know why i'm wearing this stupid jacket? i'm wearing a tubetop inside and my stupid bra dropped(pls be reminded, she was talking to guys)and!
mel:clears throat*
milly:melissa! i didn't see you there! oh my god! NUS guys are sooo hot!the guys there are sooo good looking!(telling my sis cause she just graduated from there)
we go in.... to be continued......suspense is the best...:)

THE RECOUNT OF a MEMORABLE EVENT

2006-09-25T07:38:00.001-07:00

THE RECOUNT OF MEMORABLE EVENTS

2006-09-25T07:38:00.000-07:00

2006-09-22T20:26:00.000-07:00

I feel sad today... i'm hearing the graduation song by vitamin C. i can't figure out if i like the song. the orchestra thing is quite cool but the lyrics always make me cry and think. what happens if i get out of my school? will i see my friends again?"as we go on, we remember, all the times we had together....and as our live change, from whatever, we will still be friends forever.." friends forever? we will see each other again?maybe i should put it on my blog although it's out of point.
I can't adapt to changes. i hate them. i just want everything to remain.however, my mum told me that my grandpa might be going soon yesturday and i started crying.. i started having flash backs of when i was in primary school and my grandpa had a round tummy.i'll say that my grandpa was hiding a ball in his stomach..soon after, his kidney failed a few years later..
He used to be fat..fatter than me.. now.. there's no meat in his stomach.. he was..boney..as i thought about how i used to throw tantrums at him when i was younger, i regret it..why was i so stupid???what if he goes? what's going to happen?my mum said that my grandpa is having hallucinations.. he's been talking to himself.. like my other grandpa... before he passed on..i wasn't there when my paternal grandpa passed on.. i want to be there when my maternal grandpa passes on.. i want to thank him for taking care of me.. give him a hug...tell him i'll miss him...

2006-09-18T04:30:00.000-07:00

today felt strange... i can't stand it when i ignore people.. i think it feels weird to ignore someone you've been calling "good friend " and suddenly, everything changes overnight. your life gets arranged oddly..i hate changes..why can't we be back to normal? but no matter what, i won't be the first to open my mouth cause you're not the only person who is hurt from this. i don't express hatred or sadness.. i keep it in. so what if i show it out? will you give me a chance? have you ever given me a chance to apologise? you ignored me since the beginning. it's not completely my fault for all the quarrels... don't blame EVERYTHING on me. one way or another , in any disputes we had, there's some part where you're at fault. so why am i the one always apologising? i would have if u didn't treat me like shit. it's always you're angry...you're angry. when do i get to be angry for once? it's impossible to be my fault all the time. if you're never at fault, you would have been an angel or something. no one in this world has NEVER committed a sin.if you decide not to forgive and forget, too bad.. i have to move on with my life. you can stay at that spot for all i care.

2006-09-15T01:19:00.000-07:00

I feel blue.. not just blue.. really dark blue... on wednesday, i got scolded by mrs poh for sort of dozing off in class and today i got scolded for copying work. it's not that i should be pitied fro causing 2 teachers to have a bad impression on the whole class. seriously, i feel very bad. cause of me, the whole class had to stand.
I really don't know what happened to me. the whole week i felt really drained. of all things, i have to get scolded twice in a row. there's this part of me which says," it's time to give up. let go of this thin piece of rope you have held on to for so long. set yourself free. for all you know, it won't be such a bad fall. how many people will pass by and notice you hanging on to your life? how many will make the effort to try and help you?who will have enough strength to pull you out of this danger?NOT MANY." I want to change. i feel bad when i scream at my friends for disturbing me. i really do. but i can't help it.i want to be ME again. i want to be the optimistic girl i used to be. the girl who will say," oh well, i'll try harder next time." when i fail a test. a cheerful girl who strictly forgets work after lessons. a girl who thinks possitive. ME.
When i think about it, i'll think about death. i'll wonder, why was i brought to this world? am i a human-size soft toy meant to be handled roughly? thrown around like nobody's business? left there to catch dust?what happens when i die?"
Me being upset upsets me. I hardly smile when i go home. I hear my favourite songs, but i can't sing them out loud. I take out my piggy bank and admire the hard work and effort i put in to get the product(money).I harldy even look forward to my future, when i pass my exams. Whenever i post such things, i don't enjoy it. cause half of the time, i'm crying.i'm thinking about my past and present. i don't even want to know what my future will be like.everything must happen to me. why? is there a reason? if god created such a life of misery and suffering, is it suppose to change?i rather be a happy child who happens to be homeless. at least, i'm happy.money can't bring happiness.
my heart feels very hollow. there's nothing inside.if you asked me what my happiest memory was, i'll tell you," do i have one?if i do, it can't be many. cause i can't remember."I', very tired. i want to be free.
Went to read that person's blog just now.Whenever this type of thing happens,she always expects me to apologise, FYI, this time it's my fault. but sometimes when you ignore me, it's not my fault!we're suppose to be friends! friends don't get pissed with each other and expect and apology!seriously, i wanted to apologise to you. but i NEVER because you ALWAYS ignore me when there's something like that. i talk to you you dao me!how to apologise?!you're not the queen! you think i feel great for this type of thing is it? you think it's fun to bottle up my feelings? what do you want me to do?cry in front of you? pour my heart out about everything?! you want me to cry everyday?!I'm not happy bottling up my feelings and i'm sick of your attitude!how do you think i feel after ms cheong and mrs poh scolds me in front of the class? don't write until like i don't care! if you think i don't care, you are so F**KING WRONG!
I got 2 weeks to my exams! i hardly finished studying anything! do you think i like the feeling of getting embarrased infront of the whole class?sometimes, i really don't want to go to school. why can't she be like me and char? get angry for a while, then patch up in less than 5 minutes?does it take one whole day? by the time you finish fuming,it's already end of school already. when do you want me to apologise?!
I'm bursting! i am! i can't take it!!! i feel like just quiting school here and now.why should i go to school and face such a friend who doubts me? why does she say everything like i'm a criminal?i feel like i'm rejected from society.my heart hurts so badly.why? why? i don't want such a thing to happen to me. i don't want it!!! i don't want to cry in school again!! I HATE MY LIFE!! I FEEL LIKE DYING!!!

2006-09-10T09:41:00.000-07:00

I feel purple... seriously!! the whole day i felt like i was either going to burp or puke... anyway, yesturday my mum and her bf bought 2 crabs!! they're live crabs but not meant for eating! they're meant to be kept as pets!! whoohoo!! so cute! my sis was disgusted... she looked at it and she was like," eeew!!! what are those?" haaaa... maybe i put it too near her face... she was screaming away," get away from me!!" then she went back into her room.. so my mum's bf took them out and put them into the fish tank and i stared at them for around 5 minutes.. haha.. i forgot to tell you ppl that i have lobsters in my tank.. as in small mini ones.. it's kind of cool... i have a few shrimps in there too so it's like an ocean in your own home.. the crabs are red( RED!! isn't it super coolio?!) and the lobster are blue(wahh...) and the shrimps are sort of translucent....
Today, when i got out of bed, my mum and i were standing near the dining table when she said," this morning, i went to look into the tank and i got a fright! i didn't see the crabs! then when uncle leng came out of the room he saw the crab crawling towards the the sofa! then we looked everywhere for the other one but we couldn't find it!" at this point i was about to pull out a chair and stand on it when my mum continued,"eh! relax! you hear finish first la! then uncle leng searched high and low for it when he finally thought of where it would be." then she waited for me to guess( i didn't know i was suppose to so i just blurrly stared at her). then she said," it was in the drawer!" the i went , " oh!! cause the side of the fish tank got a hole to a drawer where all the switch and wires are kept for the fish tank right?" she went,"yeah! i didn't know the crab so clever! the tank is so high! and only a quarter is filled with water!"
well, after what she said , i told her it was most likely it climbed up by clinging on to the wire for the pump or filter thing...obviously by that time when her story was finish, she forgot to listen to me talk and didn't hear what i said cause when we came home at night, her bf told her the same thing and she went," yeah hor! sounds like it!"
sigh.... mothers expect their children to listen but they never listen to their children

2006-09-09T06:28:00.000-07:00

today dinner was great.. i ate.. omg.. i ate..and i ate...let's see.... pig's trotters, steak with lots of fat, mashed potato, sausages and salad.. DIET? WHAT DIET?? FAT DIET?? grr.. can't imagine how long i'm going to take to lose all that excess fats... this post sounds a little obscene...
anyways.... i've run out of stuff to say so... seeya friends..

~CHEERS

2006-09-04T04:13:00.000-07:00

today i went to cut my hair....i just can't help it.... i feel that my mum is treating me like a replacement. she only takes care of me when my nephew or sister isn't around.it's so unfair... she talks to me like she's talking to my nephew. childish and rubbish. she's practically saying everything that's obvious. when it's quiet, she has to give some stupid comment about some woman's clothes..or someone else's hair.come on, you're very hip is it? you're into the latest fashion all the time is it? who are you, another auntie, to say about someone else's comments? it's not like everyone in singapore dresses nicely except for that particular person. i hate being treated like a kid. parents, stop telling your kids to grow up. reflect and see who is the childish and who is the matured.it's not my fault i'm standing up for strangers and not for my own family. i'm being fair. i'm stating facts that i can't take anymore. SILENCE IS GOLDEN. for 14 years, my parents taught that to me the most. always saying," da ren jiang hua, xiao hai zi bu yao cha jui". so whenever i give stupid comments, i'll get scolded. why can't i scold my mum for giving stupid comments? everything in life is inter-related.if something goes wrong, not one person is to be blamed. it is everyone that is connected to that person which caused it in dirrectly. it's like telling a lie. one lie leads to another. when you take the wrong step, you can't just stop. you have to go on and look for an exit. don't miss the opportunity. not many come along.

2006-09-01T04:17:00.000-07:00

pants* whooo...... very tired. last night i talked to my 2 brothers on msn when i was doing my pw. i was telling them that instead of losing weight, i gained weight. so my second bro suggested i jog. so he said jog to and fro all the way to the canal which is near the over head bridge to toa payoh.should be useful since my bro was once fat and now he got muscles:) so i ran to the canal and back and walk to the canal and back. then i went to the excercise station to do some pull-ups and sit-ups. them i walked all the way up to my house(12 storey). wahh.. the running and walking didn't match the walk up to my house. almost fainted lah! of all things man.. that was the most tiring? so weird...

2006-08-31T06:49:00.000-07:00

today was teacher's day!!i can't believe it. half of the secondary MG teachers wore uniforms. the worst thing is, mr ong and mr seow! wth!! so funny! have you seen a guy wear the MG uniform? i have so not seen that!!
after school, i did something really really bad. i went home to sleep instead of do PW. not my fault also. i haven't napped in days! and my mum is a slave-driver! no sleep! study! blah blah... and now my sis plans to give me tuition! wth! when she screams into my ear , i can forget how to multiply lah!! GRRR.... excuse me...( curse and swears).. owwch!!!! pain!!!ahh!!! i just hit my leg against....something in this room...ok... seriously, i do not know what i hit my leg on.. it's something somewhere in this room on the floor.
ok! after that, i went to comex which is some IT show. damn! the creative is so fine. so are the Ipods. and my mum say until she's buying for me, in the end she bought for my sis. don't you think she's biased?! wth!! did u know that it's the same model as my brother's? did u know you can watch a movie?! did u know that it is 30mgb? did u know that my bro got white and my sis got black and that there are only 2 colours and that i dunno if i should buy that or creative?! seriously, how can you know?! cause it's impossible to know since i myself didn't know!GRRR....so should i buy Ipod dunno what, zen v plus, zen vision :m or zen vision w??? huh? you tell me! TELL ME!!! imagine watching your favourite movie in a bus. isn't it cool?! if i like that movie i can watch for 30 over times ok! don't pray pray! really! 30 over times continuos also can! wth! i want it!!!

2006-08-28T03:12:00.000-07:00

part of the reason why i get stressed out is because of my sister. i found today that how i wish she was dead. at least there won't be someone scolding me for everything. today li pin insulted me and my sister. she said both of us can't sing. seriously, insult me, don't drag my family in.but when i returned home, i feel like you can take a gun and shoot her. i'll just stand there and grin.why help her? she's better off dead. how i wish my sis could read this blog:)she'll know what happens when her sister doesn't see her for one whole week and when she does, she's always being scolded.why not? i'm not the only one with bad habits.
and everyone keeps saying i'm fat. i get it! i know i'm fat! don't have to keep saying it right?do you think i like being fat? i'd rather turn anoeroxic. at least i'll be skinny.how do you like it when you go shopping and you see so many clothes you like but you just can't try it cause you know you're too fat? why do i have to be tall and fat? if i'm so tall and fat, why am i so invisible to my family?so what if my sister was on tv? so she gets the special treatment?or does she have some light shining on her? maybe that light signals that it's time for her to leave earth and join the aliens where people are so bitchy, they're fit to be her friends.and the naxt time someone wants to tell me i'm fat, only tell me when you've come out with a solution to lose weight.you may be glad i'm tall. wait till you reach such a height of mine! who can be happy with my bloody height? what is this sign?i should join the netball team and make it a job? or should i form a basketball team?
you know, before i broke down, i totally felt so much better. i told myself that i can close my ears. guess what? i can't now! it's no use being nice to people. they are going to take advantage of you.they are going to rip your heart into pieces and rub salt in your wounds. how do i know? i feel like it already happened to me. it's so unfair! i hate my life! why can't my family understand me? why can't they let go of me? i swear that once i make enough money i'm out of this piece of junkyard. it's blocking me from doing anything.

2006-08-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

yesturday i broke down in school during recess after the aunty miscalculated my change. i was suppose to get back $8.70 but she only gave me $0.70.i don't think i should be blamed for breaking down...i think that everyone is like a balloon.when you bottle up your feelings,you're adding in more air.if you didn't hold on to the balloon, it'll fly away and you'll let go of everything.if you held on to it and kept blowing, chances are, it'll burst. it's highly unlikely for a human being to let go.you might tell a friend to let go. but if you think about it, you can't really let go yourself. no matter how you put up a brave front,no matter how cheerful you look outside, there's always loneliness inside. inside, you're crying all the time.you cry for being unlucky, you cry for being in such a life, you cry for being alive, you cry for even being born in this world.actually, i don't know if you do. but i know that i do.
when you cry, people encourage you.i'm sure if a friend cries you'll talk to her about it.i know i will. but inside, deep inside, you feel the same. but you can't be worse than me. who has so muh things happening inside at the same time?even with such a life, i USED to feel lucky. but when you start failing in everything, no matter how hard you try to, it's fustrating.chances of me staying in my school is low. i feel the pressure. it follows me to everywhere i go.suddenly, you fail every test you get back. chances of you going back to school is low, you think about what happens if you don't. you think about how your parents will scream at you and how your siblings will scold you, but actually they're saying," you're hopeless. i'm better than you."
you may say i'm thinking too much. but it's my family. i know how they will react. throughout my whole life, my mum has never said ,"it's okay".she'll always say,"if you do well, i'll give you an mp3 or ps3 or something else."in the end, it never comes.never.there's no motivation to go on.none at all.when your mum expects you to do well, yet doesn't give you time to study, always bringing you out at the wrong time,you know it.she doesn't care for you. she stops telling you to study, she does nothing.when you eat dinner, it's just a routine. but if your sister comes home to eat, she prepares a feast.
then you wonder,when has she cared for you? all she did was bribe you.my whole life. i'm motivated by bribery. when you wake up from this 'dream' bribery stops being a motivation. and there you are, hanging on to a piece of rope that's about to break. i'm not a robot. i'm flexible.when she complains about your dad,you wonder,why can't i have a happy family? to fail so many tests and getting back the results all in a few days( a few for one day), you tell yourself,"this has to stop. it's time to stop it all.but how? then you break down. how?you want to stop it. but you don't know how to.you blog and cry infront of the computer. you wonder,how do you stop this? how do you forget it so you can move on?how?go to a counseller?will the counsellor tell you how to forget this? won't she just tell you to forget it?anyone can say,"forget it" but how?how do you stop dwelling on it and move on?i really want to. i want to solve it in less than 6 weeks. i want to solve it before my exams. i don't want it to affect my studies anymore. i want to do well. i want to get the results i used to get in primary school although it isn't desirable. i want to start passing tests. i want to forget it. so i concentrate on studying. so i can stop thinking about it.

2006-08-21T06:07:00.000-07:00

today, i feel orange. so i shall use orange to blog. i learned a lesson while i was stoning after dinner today. i was eating a box of cherries.i love cherries. however, i was really unwilling to eat that box of cherries. the cherries look rotten from a distance.but my mum forced me to. she said if i didn't eat the cherries, she will never buy cherries again. as i looked at the cherries, taking one by one and examining them before popping them into my mouth, i realised that there were less rottens ones than i expected.suddenly, i felt that sec 2s was like that box of cherries. from a distance, everyone will say we're lazy good for nothings.but if they TRY and get to know us, we're pretty sweet and juicy.we just look dented or 'disfigured'.we may not get disirable results, but we're trying our best to do so.nobody is perfect right?we're like the book which has a torn cover.yet, the story written in our pages is interesting and exciting.2s is the good example of judging a book by it's cover.well, tomorrow will be a busy day. i've got to finish english, chinese, physics and who knows how many other homeworks by tonight so i might have to burn the midnight oil. nights peeps.many tests are coming up. gtg.

2006-08-20T02:04:00.000-07:00

sigh...since everyone has turned lazy and decided to stop posting for the time being, i shall post! last night i had the weirdest dream. i was sitting on the first row on the left collumn of seats with my mum and my sis in a huge empty room. i turned to my right and looked at the people from the opposite collumn. amongst them, i spotted a familiar face, a face that i loathed and i remembered even in my dreams. it was valerie(the bitch!ok..continue). just then, the sliding doors from the right hand side of the room opened. everyone cheered! it was milubing with a few of their friends and family! wow...i couldn't believe it. they walked to the middle-front of the collumns and nic stepped forward.
"hello everyone!thank you for coming to support us!"he exclaimed.
nic turned to his sister. she passes him a dark green and lime/light green jacket. he grins at the crowd and throws the jackets at the crowd. the crowd roars with excitement. the lime/light green jacket lands on my sister's lap!she stares at nic expressionless and he smiles at her.they exit from the left sliding door. slowly, the crowd dispersed, exiting through the same door the milubing band members exit from. valerie approaches my sister. she smiles and invites my sister to the milubing after party.just as she insists on it and my sister was about to flair up, i woke up, finding myself on the floor.
doesn't it sound ironic? if valerie approached me or my sister, i would have stabbed her. why would my mum and my sis go to such a place with me? what was that place in the first place? why didn't i wake up after my sister scolds her? how can my sister have no expression when she caught the jacket? it's GREEN! what does this dream mean? does it tell the future? or does it just tell me to keep dreaming because it was impossible for something like that to happen?
anyway, today my mother called my brother so she asked me to wait go to her room and wait for her to pass the phone to me after she finished talking to him. omg... i fell asleep . i woke up 1 and a half hours later and she was still talking to him. powderful.overseas call! the bill's going to explode man... anyway, when she passed the phone to me, he talked about my results again. i didn't dare to tell him that i actually failed my overall percentage last term(i got 48. something i think). and i got 56.57 this term so i improved quite a lot. and i only failed maths this term by 3 marks so it's not bad. but i got Bs and Cs for all my subjects. but it's improvement.why?why can't anyone encourage me?why doesn't anyone give me a pat on the shoulder and say"good job. you improved. keep improving okay?"sometimes i know i can do it. i can give an A if i want to.but i don't feel like it. i don't think i want to. i can force myself, but no matter how i force myself, my heart says"they don't love you. they don't care about you. they only care about your results.so if someone asks them how you did, they can at least say"she did great."why bother?"so what if you bring an A from your test?you tried last year remember? when you brought back a 21/25, they asked you why you didn't get full marks?"when i think about it, i just don't feel like studying. when i actually feel like studying,my mum will ask me to swim or something. why? if there is a god, i ask you. why do you not want me to study?when i want to, you don't allow me to study. when i don't want to study, you force me to.why?
i can't believe it. i waited 1 and a half hours just to get someone to tell me to study and stop watching tv.i wonder.will anyone noticed if i died?will anyone regret of how they treated me when i was alive? or will they actually think that i will go in peace?i'm hurt.i'm hurt so emotionally, i don't know who to talk to. if i told you my parent's divorce doesn't affect me at all, i have to say, i'm lying.it hurts me. i wonder why it's so unfair that everyone gets to have a happy family and get to go to a picnic on sundays, or go out for a movie on saturday nights, while even if it happens to me, i know my parents are acting. it's hopeless. i always thought that i lost my childhood because i never had a happy family. i never got to play board games with the whole family.now my mum had to make it worse. she doesn't show concern.i have a big family. but i used to spend away my whole childhood playing by myself. i never share my feelings with my family. because when they talk to me, it's about my results and my studies. after my parent's divorce, if i ate dinner with my father, he will ask me about my results.then, for the rest of the dinner, he talks to my siblings and i'll just sit there, like a piece of transparent glass, ignored.the point is, i don't get to communicate with my family. it's not that i never tried. they never listened.i wonder if they actually know when i cry at night.not knowing what to do.i hope i die soon. i hope i die from a disease. cancer or something. at least maybe when i suffer from it, someone will actually cry for me and pray for me.at least they will realise that i exist.

2006-08-14T06:25:00.000-07:00

i shall be random from now on. i will have a random count like [random count: 1]

2006-08-10T01:24:00.000-07:00

Lalala.....today is thursday! boring.....got nothing to say.bye

2006-08-06T00:22:00.000-07:00

Whoohoo! SUNDAY IS HERE!!! marchie and i were playing with my baby nephew again! he's still here you know...hahaa.. so cutE!!!! Just went to joanne's blog just now and i heard the song that i heard yesturday on tv. it's mtv on tv la... but it's super nice. it's chen yi by deng dai. WAIT!!no! It's deng dai by chen yi. i think..should be lah!
Omg!!! super duper high yesturday! MILUBING IS OUR FIRST SUPERBAND!! Shiok la! i kept thinking"aya..look at soul's supporters.. so supportive.look at them! all white.. i mean, white is outstanding but.." cause white mah! there's no different shade of white. there's no dark white or light white. but there's dark pink or dark white so.. they looked stronger. i was so scared! i looked at the sms collum at the bottom and everyone was saying they support milubing(most).this actually made me feel worse!i was thinking'what the..waste money tell ppl you support milubing for what? vote lah!!!' but when milubing won...the feeling was great. this is the best finals ever. it beat the feeling of campus superstar, singapore idol, star idol and project superstar finals combined together! I was smiling and jumping throughout the whole performance although my mother was standing beside me and screaming at me to stop screaming which is bloody weird cause she's also screaming what.. woah.. this is probably one of the longest post ever..
Anyway... yesturday i was wondering why g-force only had benjamin and i sort of figured out why. I think they were having national day rehersal. during the performance, i saw fireworks from my house. almost more than 15 minutes of fireworks.. SIngapore is rich i guess.. my mum said' national day what.' but i was thinking why would they need so much for reheral? come on.. it's fireworks...
Oh well.... my sis and mum are nagging at me again. why do they object of me having a blog?It's like a diary what.. they're so full of crap. talk shit man. I refuse to listen to ppl who do not trust me and think that they can abuse power just because they're my elders. my sis isn't even an elder la! same generation! come on man! chill! GRRR...

2006-08-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

HELLO CLARISSA! WE'RE IN SCHOOL NOW!
HAHAHAHAH & YOU'RE WATCHING A STUPID HORROR CLIP!

CHAR

2006-08-01T03:05:00.000-07:00

genting was boring! sorry people who read my blog. i haven't been updating!you knowq who reads my blog?! my good friend marchie.No.. marchie's a girl...she lives in my head.kinda of irritating lately. she keeps borrowing my eyes to see and my hands to eat. no wonder my head hurts!she's growing fatter!it's making my head expand!Hmph.
oh yeah... the trip.pics?tomorrow.i'm tired. bye

2006-07-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today i'm going to watch singapore idol!!!!!!!!!!!!WHOOHOO!!!yep, leaving my house at 4.30p.m later to go to suyi's house. i'm going to see her doggy!!and of course do LEAD. my stupid com doesn't have any chinese!! we'll probably leave at who knows what time and reach there at who knows what time and go in at who knows what time..oh well...i shall see...if i got time later, i might blog about it since i'm going GENTING tomorrow!!

2006-07-26T00:30:00.000-07:00

Today, i realised something. what's the use of fighting? why bother? why can't we be friends? i'm actually pretty glad that i am in 2s. many ppl hate that. many ppl hate me. but why do i like my class? because they are the ones that helped me to grow. they not only help me, they help themselves. whenever you don't listen in class, you are still learning. what do you manage to learn? you learn to listen. it's confusing, but when you sit down and think about, it's true. no matter what you do, you learn. life experiences don't come from the report book you get.that is knowledge. a life experience to me, is something memorable. it is something that caused an impact in my life that taught me something that will make me a better person. nowadays, i realise that i have many good friends. i just didn't realise. i apologise for the way i treated them.
I have made enemies. many of them too.as they say,'keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer'. why is that true? i think it is true because your friends teach you to be a better person, but your enemies teach you to face reality. when we get out of school, it's our enemies that we should thank. without enemies,you will miss the most important lesson, to be aware of your surroundings. they help you to brave the war when you start work by being you introduction of a chapter in life.
why am i saying so much? beats me. maybe when i woke up one day, i thought," hey! enough enemies already. i must have gone through this many times. it's time to make friends" afterall, i still need to learn one more thing. forgive and forget.

2006-03-29T06:16:00.000-08:00

Today was the fun day! Yay! haha.. during art you know who got angry! makes me happy! cause she deserved it. who ask her treat us like shit. onlywant us to talk to her when she needs our help.but..SORRY ! you are not the queen! call everyone you're angry bimbo. stupid. do you even know what is bimbo? It's stupid but pretty lor! We're in the same class. so if i'm stupid, you're stupid. so thanks for the compliment that i'm pretty.yeah.. and don't think if i look pretty you will look pretty too cause no stupid school arranges students like that.
Lalala...Just came back from junction 8! Wow.. bought so many stuff. I bought a jacket, a few pairs of socks, a top, a key chain, ear rings etc. ok.. gtg do project work. TAG MY TAG BOARD!

2006-03-28T07:09:00.000-08:00

YAY!!! I am posting! i am posting!
ayo.. today is sad.. sigh.. chau chau moved my place! i'm now sitting in between 2 michelles( the left is scary the right is...no idea) and the worst of the worst! you know who is sitting in front of the left michelle(michelle tan)!!! Grr.. oh well..
LaLaLa... Today mrs poh didn't come to school.. maybe she's in labour(jiayou!jiayou!now, PUUUSH!)! She can't possibly call the school while she's in labour right? Oh well.. may be it's just pain...Hmm... still wondering if it's male or female.
Lalala...Burp* today after school leelee,lala,felly and melody went to west mall!!HMPH! not fair! i wanna go too! I hope we go out on friday if there's time cause my mom said i can go out if there'e no netball!WHeeee!! RUN WILD!! WHooWHOOWho(ok.. sounds wrong...doesn't sound like a monkey..)
HALLEJUYAH! BYE BYE! A MEN! GOD BLESS ME, YOU, EVERYONE Except you know who. muahaha.. i'm so evil...

2006-03-08T20:03:00.000-08:00

Hello! I finally bloooogggeedd!! Haha... took very long la.. so slow... haha... having projectwork now....Got nothing to say... YAWN*.. Projectwork is soooo boring.. They don't let me do anything one..I'd rather be super busy now...
5 mins later....
Sigh... still got nothing to do leh... Why can't i type? i wannna type! I don't care! I wanna type!FINE! I'll go and sleep....
20 mins later...
YAWN*... wake up already... still got nothing to do... HOW? Lesson still got more than an hour! I'm going to rot to death here! A LITTLE WORK PLS!
5 mins later....
THAT"S IT !!!!
Got nothing to type liao.. BYE BYE.... I'm going to sleep more...